In the early stage of a relationship, when romance and passion are at their peak, our hopes are high; we want these good feelings to last forever, and for our partner to never leave. Overtaken by this dreamy state, we promise, with all our hearts, to do anything and everything to make this relationship last, and we do mean it, but that’s just at the beginning when it is all rainbows and butterflies. We promise when we are happy, and that is the problem.
Every relationship requires some compromise because only if we are really lucky, we will find a partner who is 100% like us; one who has the same needs, habits, preferences, and lifestyle – in short someone we wouldn’t need to give up anything and everything to keep them.
Compromise in small doses is normal, actually necessary, like when we have to reschedule dinner time at home because our partner has something important to be done, or when we plan one weekend up to our preferences and the next to our partner’s. The problem is in those big promises, the ones where we have to change who we are, our habits, our hobbies, our jobs, or give up the things we love and bring us joy to satisfy our partners or make them feel less insecure.
In the beginning, most of us would find it easier to resort to compromise to either avoid conflict, a heated conversation, or dissatisfaction. We think it will keep the flow going smoothly, that compromise will bring us peace and calm; we keep bending and bending, compromising, and sacrificing until we martyr ourselves for the sake of a relationship.
Is It compromise or Sacrifice?
Sometimes, for so many among us, it is hard to draw the line between the two, not knowing when to stop and put our foot down, waiting for the other person to come one step closer and bridge the gap. When we compromise, we feel the balance, we feel like we are not the only ones doing all the work; we know that as we put something on the table, our partner will do the same for us. But when we overdo it, or in other words ‘sacrifice’, we throw ourselves off balance. We feel we are relinquishing our needs, desires, values, and beliefs just to please someone else. We find ourselves giving up the little things until we realize we are giving up the more significant things like a career goal or a life dream just to make the life of our partner more convenient at the expense of our happiness.
The High Price of Too Much Compromise
Bit by bit, frustration grows, resentment builds up, we pick up unreasonable fights, we explode in fits of anger, and we push ourselves further and further away from our partner to a point where we can’t stand them. We wonder where all that comes from, not knowing when all this started, until one day we realize it was bits and pieces of ourselves we kept losing along the way to keep someone else happy; we gave up on our own convenience for the convenience of another person, just to keep the boat afloat.
A Moment of Realization
We know then it was not compromise, but rather sacrifice, and not in a good, noble way, but more of a self-destructive manner. We lose touch with who we are, actually, we forget who we used to be before that person came into our lives, when we, ever so hopefully, decided to put them ahead of us to keep them and keep that love alive. A moment when all that love turns into resentment, loathing, and an urge to break free, to metamorphose and find yourself once again.
Finding the Middle Ground
Compromise is fundamental in every relationship, but it is important to pinpoint when it is tipping into sacrifice. Yes, sacrifices are important, but we need to pause and ask ourselves the important questions: ‘Am I happy with the choices I’m making?’, ‘Am I giving up something important for me?’, ‘Am I the only one doing all the work?’, and most importantly, ‘Are my needs at least met halfway?’.
It is only when we know the answers to these questions that we are able to tell whether we are denying ourselves the right to also receive and not just constantly give. We then will know if the work is not one-sided and that the effort is mutual. We will find out if each side is willing to adjust and adapt to the other.
In the end, relationships are daily work in progress, where both partners have to accept and agree to share the effort and create the balance. It is only when both partners have their needs met, and feel heard and valued, without any side trying to erase or change the other’s identity, that relationships grow stronger and become more mature.
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