There Isn't a Known Pattern to Show or Overcome Grief and That's Ok

There’s no escaping death or loss of any kind. As much as we want to make things last, eventually, everything comes to an end. Food has expiration dates, movies have a runtime, and people have life expectancy. Everything can be gone in seconds, no matter how much effort and time we put into building legacies. We are conditioned to prepare for loss, a loss of net worth, loss of a relationship, and the one that hit the most, the loss of a loved one. The feeling of losing something you’ve owned, a job, or a partner is unfathomable. We cannot comprehend that this was the last time we own something, go to this job, or last time you’ve talked to your friend, partner, or family member. How can you deal with this, especially death? How can we go on with our lives knowing that someone we used to talk to daily and share joys and sorrows is no longer here? It feels unreal, one minute you’re talking about the latest video you’ve seen on TikTok, and the next you’re standing in front of their grave. Your entire world has stopped like stepping on the brakes without a warning. Everything around you is moving except your own life; nothing makes sense as you enter the grieving phase. 

 

Oh yes, grief, that feeling that enters, stays, and lingers forever, a feeling that changes your outlook on life and makes you numb. While grief is a normal feeling destined for us to experience, not all of us will experience it the same way. There’s a common misconception that people who are grieving the loss of loved ones must be sad, quiet, and less inclined to socialize. While that’s true in some cases, other times people’s reaction to death and how they grief can be different and a bit “extreme”

 

We should normalize the quote-unquote “abnormal grieving behavior” because not everyone’s grieving journey or process to understand the concept of loss is the same.

 

There are many ways a person shows grief or moves on from knowing the devastating news of losing someone, again it’s fine and normal and we shouldn’t judge. Sometimes, people stay at home, be quiet, and rather not engage with people, while others bury themselves in work, go to the gym, or distract themselves by watching TikToks daily. There’s no specific way to grieve or a period for someone to be over with grief and live their lives. 

Anyone who has dealt with losing a beloved family member, friend, or coworker, feels the need to constantly be sad and quiet, and if they express their feelings differently, they feel guilty for not being sad like it is supposed to be. 

This way of thinking is not only harmful but limiting. As a person who’s grieving, you shouldn’t be bound to how people perceive your emotions and feel guilty for wanting to laugh or go out. Imagine you see a friend who is going through the same journey, would you want him or her to succumb to what is expected from them to act? Or would you rather they handle it the way it fits their personality? Now put yourself in their shoes, maybe you’re not a crier, or you simply accept that death is a part of life and the only way to move on is to live your life and do good, would you want someone to pigeonhole you into feeling a certain way? 

 

Aside from societal expectation on what grief should be, if you’re feeling that you have moved on after a short period, you mustn’t feel guilty or feel like you’re a heartless person, it just means you reach a peaceful state of mind and what’s really wrong with that? 

There is a beauty and relief in being able to come to terms of losing someone. It means that you will not remember the ugly side of death, but rather embracing the beauty of their lives. Remembering all the good deeds they’ve made, the memories you’ve made, laughter you have shared. Grief will follow you often but it won’t be the reigning emotion. Don’t let the peace of mind you finally reach make you feel guilty for not crying. It’s ok to have mixed emotions, but it’s also important to exercise them in a healthy manner. If your method of grief is harfmul, then seek help and consulation, but if they are a mishmash of emotions ranging from calmness, acceptance, laughter or working, then it’s ok to not cry all the time. 

Finally, celebrate the life you have right now and honor the memory of the beloved ones who you’ve lost.