Ideally, in a mature relationship or even at the earlier stage of dating, had one side decided they don’t want to move forward, it should be said and done in the most direct yet gentle way possible. Sadly, this is not how it always works when it comes to dating and relationships. So instead of two people sitting together deciding to call it quits, one side decides to just disappear, letting the situation resolve itself on its own.
Relationships are complicated, but no matter how tough it is to say it straight to someone’s face that you want out, every human deserves the minimum level of respect and decency to know where they’re heading instead of being ghosted. As if ghosting isn’t already hurtful and heartbreaking enough, people now have taken it to another level. May you never be soft ghosted!
If you think the ‘soft’ in ‘ghosting’ makes it any softer, wait until you know more about it.
First things first, ghosting and soft ghosting are almost the same in terms of an end result. Those who resort to either can’t summon the courage to tell it to your face, and so, will keep on beating around the bush until you get the hint. So, what’s the difference?
Ghosting: You’ve been seeing someone, you talk, text, and go out on dates, then out of the blue they go off the grid. Vanish. As if they never existed.
Soft Ghosting: You probably wouldn’t identify it because of how subtle and gradual it’s done. They won’t be the ones to text first, but they’d still respond to your texts though delayed, check your posts and stories, and even engage in them. But you would still feel, in the most confusing and uncomfortable way ever, that something is just not right.
As mentally and emotionally draining as it is, why would people still choose to soft ghost someone?
• They are non-confrontational.
• They don’t want to burn all bridges in case they want to reappear.
• They think this is less harsh than a confrontation or a conversation.
• They want to push you away to the point where you end it instead of them doing it.
Let’s break this down into more explicit signs you’re being soft ghosted.
• They reply late to your messages.
• They reply very briefly or just react with emojis.
• They no longer start a conversation but can like your social media posts.
• They stop sharing things about themselves.
• They come up with excuses whenever you suggest a plan to meet.
Now, coming to the most important part, what to do if you feel you are being soft ghosted?
• First, don’t jump to conclusions too quickly. Don’t be quick to assume they are soft ghosting you when something really might be happening at their end. It all depends on your pattern of communication, how often you text, and the longest gap you ever had together.
• Drop a line to test the waters. Let’s say it has been more than the usual since you last talked; in that case, drop a message around the context of ‘It’s been a while, hope you’re doing well.’ At that point, if they reply briefly and vaguely, take note of the pattern.
• Sit back and observe. Now that you have done their part and still haven’t heard from them for a couple of days again, it is then time to…
• Take the hint and walk away. At this stage, you don’t need confirmation it is what it exactly looks like. They are no longer invested, and so you shouldn’t. Normally, it would have been better to advice you to have an honest conversation, but remember honesty goes both ways. If they haven’t been straight and direct in their approach, then you shouldn’t put an effort of an honest conversation and a clear closure. The soft ghosting in itself is your closure. Sounds harsh, yes, but it is what it is.
Remember, they might come back again texting and opening conversation hoping things get back to what they used to be. Stand your ground, and remind yourself of how they walked out because the way a person ends things tells a lot about them. Don’t fall for the same trap twice.
Most importantly never allow what happened to shake your self-esteem or your self-worth. Yes, it is awful, yes it is embarrassing, and yes it makes us feel horrible, but it is about them and their inability to face the situation and not about how worthy you are.
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