I am conflicted

I’m conflicted. This is the only word I can find to accurately describe how I’ve been feeling since it was announced that the Muslim Brotherhood’s candidate, Mohamed Morsi, has won Egypt’s presidency. Yes I might not have the green passport, yes I might not be Egyptian by origin, but I’ve been living here most of my life and this is where I call home — and to me, home is confusing at the moment. The brief agony caused by the sheer length of the Supreme Presidential Elections Commission’s (SPEC) president Faruk Sultan’s speech turned into happiness. Finally, I’m hearing the words that Ahmed Shafik, former Civil Aviation Minister under Mubarak, has lost the elections. “No more will we have the ghost of the old regime creeping upon us,” I told my naive self. But it took 10 minutes for this gullible happiness to turn into guilt followed by flat out disappointment — at myself. I started wondering how I do not know how to feel. How isn’t my intelligence capable of determining an allegiance to an opinion at the moment? As an individual of free will, as a human, as a journalist, I’m entitled to an opinion that is, until this very moment, inexistent. I definitely know, however, that I’m not happy with Morsi being president. Much like many other Egyptians, I did not want Shafik to win, but I certainly didn’t want Morsi for president either. But my concerns about him are far from what I deem as the Islamophobic bourgeoisie scare consuming the upper class, which basically revolves around wailing the possible loss of bikini and alcohol “rights.” I have complete lack of trust in the Muslim Brotherhood due to their constantly changing rhetoric, which ranged in the past year alone between “let’s consider outlawing protests” to “we’re staying in Tahrir” to revolt against the army’s constitutional decree. I also have a list of endless questions. Will Morsi be another Mohamed Naguib, Egypt’s first president after the Mohamed Aly Dynasty who was forced out of office one year late due to his disagreements with Gamal Abdel Nasser? Did people die for a theocratic state to replace a dictatorship? How much will Morsi’s allegiance to the Brotherhood’s inflexible doctrine affect the future of shaping this nation? Why were the elections results delayed for three days amid rumors that there’s a deal being reached between Supreme Council of Armed Forces (SCAF) and the Brotherhood? This led me to the most irritating question of them all, did we have a revolution to be stuck in the midst of a cold war between SCAF and the Brotherhood?  All these thoughts are a glimpse of what went through my, and many other Egyptians’ minds after the announcement of Egypt’s first president elect. And all the optimism I could muster in me was ruined. Hence, I’m conflicted, is an understatement. Should I be happy, worried, or just simply indifferent?