| Physical, or even mentally infidelity is an unacceptable, self-fulfilling prophecy that society made us believe in. As a naïve bride-to-be, I will tell you why I don’t think it is normal that committed men check out other women. |
| By Randa El Tahawy |
| It must be clear by now that I stress and fixate on any issue that remotely has to do with my damn wedding — even if this issue is actually unrelated to the preparations and doesn’t even need to happen. The issue of cheating and infidelity has recently got me thinking about monogamy and why people find it so difficult. I don’t have any concerns about my relationship or fiancé, yet the issue is still heavily on my mind. I can’t help getting annoyed by those who think that infidelity, or at least being tempted to cheat without actually acting upon it, is a normal phase in any marriage under certain circumstances. I don’t buy into the argument that it is in men’s innate nature to check other girls out or fantasize about others when they are committed. I think these are all beliefs our society instilled in us, and a part of an overall sexist environment that frowns upon women’s sexual urges and gives excuses to men’s. I am not advocating women’s right to cheat, whether physically or mentally, but I am also saying it isn’t normal for men to have urges to cheat or check other girls out, not under any circumstances or at any point in their marriages. I think that the urge to cheat is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Society has convinced us that it is something all couples must go through, that it is normal to be tempted to experience something new or fantasize about others. But I think that is all something that the media, people and societal pressure have created. I know what people will tell me that I am either too naïve or that I haven’t been married yet and so basically have no experience to be able to really judge. “Meet me in 10 years,” I was told during one argument about infidelity. Of course I can’t predict the future, but I think that the concept of infidelity is a construct of our society. I honestly doubt that I will ever fantasize about someone else or feel the need to engage in an affair to spice up my life and cope with my marriage problems. Why get married in the first place if you are already accepting the probability that you might feel the urge to be unfaithful? In my heated debates with friends over the issue, everyone said that you never intend to cheat but sometimes it just happens. I know that few people will intend to be unfaithful to their partners but considering it a probability makes it acceptable when in fact, it isn’t. No Animal Instinct I am pretty sure most people think I am too childish or that I am in denial. Friends called me crazy when I actually said that I don’t think it is necessary, or normal, for every man to fantasize or be attracted to girls other than their partners. I just think it is very sad to reduce men to animals like this, yes, of course they will find other women attractive but that’s about it. The same goes for women. Why would we always assume that men need to be cheating and messing around more than women? Why would we assume that men are always the ones looking for cuties everywhere? I also just realized that there isn’t a word for the male equivalent of a mistress. Which adds even more to this point. Why do we let society, and even the language, make us believe it isn’t acceptable for committed girls to be attracted to other men but it is acceptable for men to be attracted to other women? Both shouldn’t be acceptable in my dictionary, and it has nothing to do with gender at all. I am just surprised by my friend’s reactions when I tell them what I think about infidelity. I think they are the ones who are naïve, isn’t it obvious how we have been blinded by the media, history, society and whatever hidden messages all over the world? Just look at how the perception of women’s beauty has changed overtime. Centuries ago, being overweight and very curvy was the ultimate sign of beauty how do you think we got to the point where now the slimmer the girl the hotter she is? It’ a social construct, just like the idea that being unfaithful is a fact of life and excusable under certain conditions. Who knows, maybe in the future society will makes us believe that the new relationship consists of four people, the husband the wife and their lovers and this is the only way marriage would work. My only advice is to stop believing what everyone tells you and what society has made acceptable, through movies, books and songs. If you have problems with your relationship fix them, if you cant fix them, then it means this relationship is not made for you. I am not denying that being found attractive and have a good-looking stranger smile at you is flattering and an ego-booster, but that doesn’t mean that you need have a fling to be happier. If you feel the need to have these moments then you obviously need more attention from your partner. Yes, I will stick to my belief and tell you that if you are really happy with your partner you will never feel the need to look around. If you do, then you have issues that need to be fixed, period. |
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